They Don't Round Up Canadians, DO They!

by Valerie A. Kelly 

Despite hearing that I dwell way too much in the past, I recently signed up on an ancestry-hunt site.  The show "Do You Know Who You Are?" spurred renewed interest in my heritage.  Previously unbeknown to me, I found I have very recent "Alien" roots.  In fact, my grandmother and others in her household were called "aliens" in one US Census, still citizens of the country across the US border.  Apparently, none of them were US Citizens in that Census year.

Sadly, with this country's ever-growing fever to rid itself of expensive, parasitic, evil, "fer-ners" (you know the ones accused of sapping the burdened welfare and medical systems), I fear I will end up driving smack-dab into an illegal checkpoint at which I will be asked: "Do you have your papers?" 

What papers?  How do I prove that I am NOT "illegal" and am, in fact, indigenous to California? Frankly, I've never considered driving around with my passport, social security card, birth certificate and other "papers" that I long-ago learned belonged in a locked safe.  And, God knows I LOOK like my relatives.  I even TALK like them, having acquired a slight accent picked up in early childhood.  Believe it or not, I was actually sent for speech therapy in second grade because I tended to pronounce "about" as "abOOt", and stuck a "t" in "else" to end up as "elts".   So much for speech therapy because  I still TALK like a Canadian if I am not diligent enough to hide the subtle accent. 

So, having only a driver's license that can still be forged for the right price, the picture unfolds:

This 57-year-old, single, white woman who has been living on unemployment checks in this staggeringly horrid economy is now shackled in the back of a hot INS van with other people who "look" like someone from the other side of the border.  We wait for "processing" and "verification" of citizenship.  Cellphones confiscated.  Unable to contact friends or relatives.   And, our "papers" are not within reach.

Some in the van are transported back to Canada despite having US-born children remain behind, now remanded to custody of the State, forcing unwanted dependency on the disdainful system that so very much wants to rid itself of "excess".  Some are "shipped back" to Canada where they know no one, despite having jobs here, despite paying taxes that supports their betrayal, despite never committing a crime in their lives, despite being responsible members of their communities.  Few will be able to get the attention of an INS officer who is willing to listen, resulting from the inoculations of insensitivity, mandatory within INS training curriculum.   After all, Canadians are all thieves, aren't they?  And, George W. actually threatened to invade terrorist-loving Canada a few years ago.  A warning to Canadian-Americans, born in America: You could be told "ABOOT FACE!" at some point in your life.

Ludicrous?  Of course it is.

But, would it be just as ludicrous if my grandmother had been Hispanic or Mexican?

Yes.

BUT...the scenario actually COULD happen to my roommate if she doesn't carry "papers" that should stay in her vault.  It HAS happened to my brother-in-law (though we like to pretend illegal roundups don't occur because "they're illegal").   And, I WAS pulled over for no reason in the desert just outside of San Diego because I drive a van and have tinted windows.  The gun-toting reception I encountered far outweighed the reception when I was pulled over for actually speeding in Northern California.  I admit, the border-conscious CHP guns WERE holstered after they took a good look in the back of the van and I turned out to be just a Canadian-looking white woman who does not fit "the profile". 

Don't tell me racial profiling isn't happening.

They don't round up Canadians, do they?